I’m fairly sure that anything i once had with Justin is over. Even a friendship, and truthfully that is the thing I want back more than anything.
Its really hard to understand just how close those drama kids get and just how quickly. I know that we are a cliche to most, but when I was with those people, I was at my happiest. I freaking baked for them. Honeyjoys, meringues, even chocolate ripple cake.
We had one class together towards the end of the semester, where we were discussing this one acting technique where you use emotional recall to get into a character. My teacher Bec, (yes we call our teachers by their first names), was and is one of the strongest and toughest people i have ever met. In fact, she can be downright scary when she wants to be and hilarious at other times. I guess to gain our trust she started out. This is her story, I hope she doesnt mind;
Bec was really close with her Dad who developed Cancer. She had taken him to the hospital for one of his appointments and it was in her much younger days and she had had a big night the night before and was decididly hungover. Her Dad lent forward on his chair placing his elbows on his knee’s and with his back bent, Bec rested her sleepy hungover head on his back and just listened to his breathing. It was in that one moment that she realized, one day he would stop breathing, and she wouldnt be able to hold him or be with him like that anymore.
Just from recalling that little story her eyes welled up. Because its specific moments that can tear us down. And in my opinion its when we realize there will be an end to all of us that hurts the most. We all lay down on the floor, thinking up memories, ones that filled up our entire beings. It could be happy, or sad any feeling as long as it was true and strong. Sad feelings are always the most potent. So she talked, people in my class talked. I dont know if it was the fact that she broke down or whether just thinking about my memory nearly brought me to tears without saying a word. She said my name and i was sobbing.
For some stupid reason, I was angry, I think about dinner being made or something incredibly trivial. I called my mum and she said she would call me back, which in turn made me even more angry. I was lying on my bed when she did call back and we spoke and i remember the exact words “Vanessa is anorexic”. And oh my god, my whole world was blown to pieces. Vanessa is my older sister and I dont think anyone can realize how much she actually means to me. Those words just went over and over in my head and I was thinking about all the times that I had jokingly said she was fat, or that I wouldnt fit into her clothes and all the stupid signs that I just had not seen.
So I was right back to that moment and I was falling to pieces in front of all these people. Everyone came up to me after and just hugged me tight, and to be honest for once in my life I didnt want it, i felt their pity and for a moment I realized what it must be like as my sister to tell everyone.
So what has that got to do with Justin? He didnt come up to me like that not straight away anyway. The class finished and I walked outside towards my mums car and he ran to catch up with me. He asked me what I’d said inside, because he was on the other side of the room and didnt hear. So i told him again. And when he offered me a hug I took it. He said all he could hear was my sobbing and that his heart broke and all he wanted to do was hug me.
That was all, it was pure and simple and a gesture from a friend. It spoke to the person he was. The kind of person that hated to see other people in pain, which in some ways turned out to be a fault, but in other ways made him the most courageous person i know.
Someone who studies kissing.
Sad. Single. Lonely.
YET! I got a rose. From “an admirer” and i am fairly sure I know who it is. Which makes life severely disappointing cause it’s not who I want it to be. Instead I deleted Justin off fb and talked to the girl he is actually interested in, who he actually spent Valentines day with, who he actually kissed. Why do I do this to myself!?
Going to watch movies eat chocolate and cry.